As Valentine's Day approaches I find myself somewhat...apathetic this year. Last year was my first Valentine's Day alone in 5 years. So this year, being alone feels like it should be old hat.
That being said, the preparations for Valentine's Day are massively underway at work. Red and pink are everywhere you look in the manor. The candy served at our weekly Happy Hour is now heart shaped or appropriately colored for the big day of love.
Let me get this out of the way first. I would be lying completely if I said I was happy being alone on this day. I'd be lying if I even said I was comfortable with the idea of being alone on Valentine's. Perhaps saying I'm slightly distraught at being by myself is easier than listing all of the things I will not feel regarding my alone status on Valentine's Day 2010.
Now let me make clear that I understand fully that I am not truly alone. In honesty I am never alone. God is always with me and thus I am loved no matter what blah blah blah. Let's be honest...God isn't sending me hot pink roses or jewelry. Or even a card. Also...I am aware that I have family that loves me and therefore I am blessed and loved and cared for. They may or may not send cards this year...but again...I mean...there certainly won't be a little blue box waiting with a bouquet of roses.
I know how superficial I sound right now. I'm okay with that. Because while of course I love presents, especially of the romantic type, I am actually upset with V-Day this year for a different reason. At work, I have a lot of time to talk to the residents. To interview them. To learn their journeys and live for a few minutes in time in the truth of their lives. And moments like that at work are precious treasures for me. I genuinely glow when I get to share in the warmth of a memory or anectdote that someone priviliges me with. Some of the residents have spouses that are no longer living, some have spouses that are still so devoted and in love that they visit their second half every single day, and others have never had the privilige of having a partner to share his/her life with. Which really gets me thinking.
And by thinking...if you know me...you know I really mean completely spazzing out. I am 25. I will be turning 26 this March. When I was in high school and listening to John Mayer I used to love his line about having a "quarter century crisis." Now I curse him for putting the idea in my head. I truly am having one. I have reached a point where I am ready to settle down...but on my own terms.
To say that I have left my past heartbreaks in the past is a lie. To say that I carry the burden of a broken heart everyday is also a lie. I have been hurt. A lot. I have hurt others. A lot. I carry the lessons taught to me from previous relationships with me. Yet at some moments in time I feel so weak and lonely that I'm ready to repeat each mistake with voracity.
I miss being in a relationship. I miss the tenderness. The sincerity. The thoughtfulness. The act of touching someone in a romantic (not sexual) manner. Holding hands. Being held. I still sleep with a stuffed bear every night (yes I'm 25) but I mean...he's not quite the same as a partner's arms around me. On the other hand...he doesn't complain when I throw him off the bed, sleep on top of him, or push him away in the middle of the night. But I digress. I miss...and this is unusual for me and I find myself even a little shocked that I'm sharing this...but I miss being able to be vulnerable with someone. I miss the warmth. The inside jokes. The pet names. I miss a relationship.
My heart is currently torn. I am loyal to a fault. And to say that my heart wasn't currently with someone would be a lie. There is a person that holds my heart. But here in Iowa where EVERY 25 year old is not only married but has the house and the kids and the everything...sometimes I just want to tell my heart to shut up and get over itself. Then I could find myself a nice farmer and uh...settle down on the farm.
Or not. The east coast girl in me cringes when I feel this desperate over settling down. But I mean...I'm the oldest grandchild (okay the oldest that people actually hope will marry...no offense Zach but I think we're losing hope here) and I would like for my family to see that I have someone to share a life with. And that I've accomplished something. That sentence made the independent girl in me shudder. Hence being torn.
Anyway...what this rambling comes down to while I do freak out about what I'll tell some young person interviewing me in a home one day about my love life...I think I need to just take a breath and calm down a little. I may not have a boyfriend this year...don't even get me started on not having a fiance or husband...but I do have love surrounding me. I got a phone call last night from my mother. A 17 year old relative died suddenly 2 nights ago. And while I may feel as though having my heart belong to someone but not being with them is the end of the world...it's not. And maybe the thrust to have Valentine's Day be this romantic fairytale world is just a little ridiculous. Maybe we should step back and make it a holiday for love (romantic included) but for the everyday love of family, of pets, of friends, of our Creator, and ourselves. Just saying.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Bravissimo!
ReplyDelete