Pull Up Your Big Girl Panties

I've realized there comes a time in each person's life when it's time to "pull up your big girl panties" and move on already.

This conversation started over driving. Yes...driving. While it seems like something that is super easy for those who have a car and a license and have been driving for years...I hate driving. Sometimes I enjoy being in my car by myself with my music and thoughts. Most of the time...I hate driving. I hate not knowing where I'm going and I'm about to embark on a driving adventure that takes me half way across the country. I'm not looking forward to this.

I want to remain in diapers. Or something similar. I want to continue to have an "easy" life. Where I'm used to everything and things are exactly what I expect.

This impending move has me quite undone. I'm working on a lot of things. The foremost being forgiveness. Forgiveness to all those who have wronged me but most importantly forgiveness of myself. Which is of course like trying to squeeze blood from a rock for me. I am quick to forgive but I will never forget. And I suppose that means that I haven't TRULY forgiven. That there is still a part of me that hangs on to the anger and resentment and hurt that I feel.

All of which is bad for the soul. It's good for the soul to be clean. And to feel forgiveness. For some people I'm ready. And I'm letting go. But forgiving myself...I'm working on it day by day. More like second by second. I'm working on knowing that it's okay to not know what's going to happen every step of the way. And that it's okay to be okay with that. Mainly I'm working on knowing that I'm going to be okay no matter what happens because I have faith. Faith that this wonderful God is watching out for me and while I may not forgive me...well...God does.

So I'm going to pull up my big girl panties. I'm going to forgive what I can and know that that's all I can do. And on Wednesday, July 29 I'm going to get in my car...roll down the windows...turn on my music...and I'm going to drive.

Phase One

I have never been a person who adapts easily to change. I have never been able to just "roll with the punches" as so many people can. I actually resist and push away change.

Then I made the decision with my younger sister to move from Pennsylvania to a small town in Iowa.

Why? Interesting question. Perhaps for no other reason than a change of scenery. I currently have no job to keep me in the state, have been single since January, and see no reason not to go to...well...Iowa.

So...to Grandmother's house we go. I wanted to write this blog as a homage to the transitioning and repositioning of myself and my sister. And I wanted to start on a happy note, but leaving home is certainly bittersweet. The emotions flooding through me as I prepare to leave my parent's house and live with a Grandmother with whom I've just recently reconnected are...emotional. Fear haunts me daily as I prepare to leave my mother. I feel as though at 25 that should be easier, but leaving my mother and father is proving to be perhaps the most difficult thing I've encountered so far.

Beyond fear there is a profound sadness of leaving everything that I have known my whole life. I've lived in the same house for 21 years. I KNOW this area. Being a person that doesn't handle change well...I'm having a hard time accepting that I'm not going to know how to get to the mall (that's an hourish away from the town......don't get me started) for the first time in my life.

So for now...I'm working on packing, and adjusting to living with fear and sadness and the crippling worry that I'm experiencing regarding finding employment. Mainly, I'll work on packing to occupy my time. And I'll cry when necessary and laugh when I can. Stay tuned for more...