Phase.....69?

I am in Iowa. Perhaps this fact is readily apparent. As...I was to begin driving on July 29 and arrive in Iowa on the 31. Which I did. Alive. And with Caitlyn, her Kia, and Maddie in good condition. Okay I'll grant you the Kia is in...runningish condition.





Upon arriving here I slept for hours. Granted, we arrived at night. After a day with roughly 11 hours behind the wheel. And not to toot my own horn or anything...but I followed Mom's car the entire way not getting lost once. I literally drove for 2 days straight. So...TOOT TOOT.





The morning that Mom left...which was the morning right after we arrived, we unpacked both cars. Let me just say I hate the entire moving process but in a normal move the unpacking process is one that is reassuring. Sure you've had a hell of a time organizing and putting things in boxes and cramming everything into the car but unpacking...that's a time for celebration. Unless you're me. And your mommy is about to drive away, her car empty of any traces of you. And you're about to be left with grandparents who undoubtedly love you and of course you love them.



But let's face it...I'm not 3 anymore and there's a novelty that Grandmother's have to the young. There is in fact a great deal of shame for me to be moving in with my grandparents. I should be moving in to my own home. But life has not unfolded that way for me thus far.



When the last items were carried to new bedrooms and breakfast had been eaten, my sister and I walked outside to wish our Mom safe driving on the way home and thank her for bringing us safely here. Oh yeah, and to say goodbye for an indeterminate period of time. As I watched my mother pull out of the alley behind my grandparent's house I had the uncontrollable urge to run after her car flailing my arms but my legs were stuck to the ground. I felt like collapsing with heartache as I watched for the first time in my life, my mom drop me off somewhere knowing that she was not coming back to pick me up. I stood my hands to my heart trying to take the pain out of it, sobbing with my sister rubbing my arm. She eventually convinced me to return to the house where she was sure Grandma was worried about us.



Caitlyn spent most of the day unpacking, while I chose to curl up in a new and uncomfortable bed and continue to cry silent tears replaying my mother driving away without me. I felt completely abandoned. I felt betrayed. And I felt so utterly lost that I honestly didn't know which end was up.



I passed the next few days repeating nearly the same pattern. Avoiding unpacking while Caitlyn nagged at me about how I needed to and it would make me feel better. Crying myself to sleep. And honestly waiting for my mother to return in her car arms open with a smile on her face yelling "JUST KIDDING." She never did.



I eventually unpacked (although being completely honest...I still have a suitcase with items in it AND a bag that I "borrowed" for overnight necessities while driving that is still fully crammed with random things).



The next few weeks I spent repeating an awful and exhausting process of filling out applications anywhere in town, waiting for calls, and wasting countless hours on the internet. I went on interviews for jobs at local retailers with my college degree and didn't get called back.



I did, however, find a job which is truly much more than a job to me. I won't even use the word career because that doesn't seem to do it justice either. I currently am an Assistant Activities Director at a long term care facility (nursing home). And I love it. I sincerely believe that God has led me to this...we'll say vocation and I am beyond happy that God did....most days. But more on the job later.

As I have not posted in months...I'll try and cram the first few lessons I've taken from Iowa into a few sentences.

Keep Laughing. No matter what happens one cannot take his/herself too seriously. There is always room for laughter...ALWAYS.

Cry. I heard in a song once "sometimes tears say all there is to say." I believe firmly in the genius of this lyricist. Crying can be the most vulnerable feeling, but there is beauty in opening the soul up to others which brings me to...

Cry with company. Sometimes we all need to shed tears solo, but crying with someone is a unique gift for both parties. Being able to sit with someone in pain and allowing yourself to feel pain around another is refreshing.

Dream. And believe firmly in the power of dreaming. Although life today might suck...life tomorrow may not. Or....life 20 years from now may not. Hold tightly to the things you wish for most dearly. If it's a BMW so be it. For me...I dream of my own home. I dream of children to nurture and love. I dream of that perfect soul mate with whom I can share my heartache and my extreme joys. And I dream that I never stop searching for the answers to questions I can't even ask.

So...so far being in Iowa hasn't all been bad. Nearly every day I throw my hands up in the air and wonder what the hell I was thinking when I agreed to this move. But I'm generally able, with the help of my dear sister, to remember that this is just part of my journey. Not the end. And probably not even the beginning.