To...Mommy's House We Go?

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm always thinking. But lately, it's been like...a madhouse in my head. I can't stop thinking. The thing that bothers me is that recently, I've been thinking of "big" things...nonstop. "Real life" things. "Future" things. Things that are uncomfortable to think of.



Iowa has been a blessing/curse situation for me. And I'm now beginning to plan my departure from the state. Cait and I feel like we've come to a place where we've done what we were meant to do here. And there are exciting things waiting for Caitlyn at home. As this is my blog and not hers, I won't divulge, but she has a whole new adventure ahead in Pennsylvania for her. Me? I have no idea what Pennsylvania has to bring me. Or what I have to offer it.



I suppose I'm facing some of the same issues that I thought of a little less than a year ago when Caitlyn and I and Mom and Dad (okay Dad was against the move from first mention) agreed that spending some time in Iowa was the best way to proceed with our lives. I started this blog because of the move but I never spent time on why we made the move. There are motives behind moving that are inappropriate to discuss on a blog...as they are deeply personal and are not only mine but my family's...and there were motives to leaving Pennsylvania that I can share. The first thing motivating me was...I had no motivation at home. I had quit my job at the dental office after a year and thus was unemployed. And frankly...I had (well still have) little to no clue as to what I want to do with the rest of my life. I was severely lacking any kind of direction. All I knew was that a job I had once loved had turned into a source of constant panic and anxiety and I knew that dental receptionist was to no longer be my title. So I spent two weeks surfing the web and looking around for places hiring (nobody by the way...) and then we embarked on a family vacation back "home" to the Midwest.





Literally two weeks later plans were laid for Caitlyn and I to return to Iowa...for a more permanent "vacation." Caitlyn left her job...I stopped searching near home and we packed up and headed out.



I applied for jobs all over town. Literally....everywhere. And I've addressed the job issue already in older posts. The first job for which I applied and interviewed made me an offer and I've since been working a job that challenges, strengthens, and humbles me every day. Some days I'll admit I come home angrier than I've ever imagined I could be in my life...but it's not the job it's the boss. And I've grown up enough since coming to Iowa that...I learned how I deserve to be treated and what professionalism means and I've made steps to rectify the boss situation which aggravates and frustrates me. So...for the large majority of my days...I work in a job that I am truly satisfied with. I rarely panic over going in to work...and I actually have days where I sincerely look forward to going in. That's never happened to me in a job before. And I am so thankful that some weird act of divine intervention took me to long term care.



But now that I'm thinking about going home...is long term care where I want to stay? If you're a person that knows me...you know I love language and I love writing and reading and I'm very intentional about my wording. You probably didn't think anything of it...but I've been writing jobs for almost a year now as I've been writing this blog for almost a year. Because I work jobs... still floating from position to position, accepting paychecks where I can get them.



I turned 26 this year. But I did much more than that. I finally started to grow up. When I was in college I did a lot of maturing. I learned a lot about myself. But I didn't grow up. I was still incredibly selfish and naive. I believed that I could change people and save them from things that they couldn't (or wouldn't) save themselves from. I listened to Something Corporate all the time in college...the song that always meant the most to me was "I Want to Save You." One of the lines in there is "I need you...to save me too." When I think about that song and my college life...well...I've learned a lot since then.



And seminary...that's a point of contention in my life right now. I'm struggling with a lot of friends receiving their master's (and I do sincerely mean the congratulations that I offer) while I remember that I could have finished mine last year. I know in my heart that taking time off from seminary was truly the best thing I could have done for myself. I harbor no ill will against myself for leaving...it's that really fine line of "leaving/not graduating" that I just can't quite get past. I don't even know if I want to continue to pursue my MDiv...but I feel like a complete failure for having given it up. So...there's that.



Anyway what all this reflection on the past leads up to is....uncertain. I do know ONE thing. I need to find a career. Not a job. So as I plan to return to Pennsylvania I am faced with a rather scary assignment: figure out what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life.



I'm not a terrible waitress...but I hate the hours and...well...I'm not much for serving food anymore. I was a good receptionist...friendly and professional...but the drill noise all day and the insurance headaches....dental receptionist (or medical or chiropractic or etc...) is not for me. Long-term care is amazing...the knowledge that I'm providing a sense of comfort and fun and companionship for people who are travelling their last days of long journeys...is truly a wonderful blessing. And I get great joy out of knowing that not only am I helping to make a difference in the lives of others but they are transforming me in return.



That being said...is that what I want to do for the rest of my life? And if so...do I want to continue in Activities or would I rather pursue a role more hospice oriented with a focus on spiritual therapy for residents and those that are truly at the end? Or would I rather go into the administration side of a care facility and...oh maybe USE that bachelor's degree? I honestly don't know.


So here's where all the scary thinking has brought me. I have not one damn clue what my next step is going to be. Well other than the whole moving back to the east coast thing. Which I'm really really torn about. Don't get me wrong....my current living situation is...less than desirable. I have little to no control over my own daily schedule but am rather on the schedule of my controlling bosses. I NEVER get to cook or spend an entire Sunday afternoon drinking a bottle of wine while watching my crazy wedding shows and reading the latest Cosmo and InStyle. So...there are quite a few things I'm looking forward to. The part I'm not looking forward to? Being 26 and moving in with my mom and dad again. My old bedroom (which is currently somewhere between a storage closet and well...a hellhole) is not exactly where I pictured laying my head down every night at the age of 26. And then there's the fact that there are 4 dogs in the family. My childhood house is not huge. And there's the idea of readjusting to "city" life. Actual traffic. Congestion and people everywhere. There is certainly a part of me that has grown to love the fact that traffic is 4 cars on the same road and that I can go to a mall on a weekend...find a parking space...and still enjoy breathing space in stores.



I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I cannot thank my parents enough for taking me back in. I've made some really poor financial decisions revolving around an ex and so I am rather limited in my choices. So parent's house it is. That's my next move. Then what?



I know I have dreams. I want to write. I want to work in a career that allows me the freedom to face different challenges and joys everyday. I want to continue my pursuit of a healthier lifestyle. And I want to continue striving to make myself happy...in little ways and big ways. So for now I guess all I can do is try to calm my nerves and hopefully soon I'll start sleeping again. And I can make my last few months here truly enjoyable and worthwhile. I can begin to research what's even available in the way of work back east. And I can continue to think scary thoughts even though I don't want to. Sometimes the scariest places are the ones we have to travel to to get where we want to go. And why IS it that pursuing your dreams and working towards your own happiness seem to be the SCARIEST place to go? I have many more questions than answers at this point in my life. But I figure...at least this time...I'm actually ASKING the questions. So I'll take my victories where I can. And as for the rest...I'll keep journaling and blogging...ranting at Caitlyn in the early morning when she's still trying to sleep...talking to myself in the shower about my theories on life and trying to think about what at the very deepest part of my heart and soul brings me joy and fulfillment. The rest...I guess is out of my control. It's in God's hands...and potential employer's hands as well...



So say a prayer for me. And I'll work on the rest. This time my Something Corporate song that speaks to me is "Spin."

"You've been knocked down, you've been thrown. You've run all the way back home. Saying you were searching for a reason. And you've got here so much before you won't cry much anymore. Rolling with the punches, gonna leave it all behind. These highway signs are a sign of the times. If you wanna spin. Get yourself back in the game again. Throw down your money, maybe you could win. But this world won't stop. Never stop. Just spin.

And I've been there once or twice before. Destiny knocking at my door. But destiny only seemed to replace the happiness once where the ruins were placed. You said this world had treated you cruel. Played with your head now played you the fool. Leave it all behind don't let it get you down. If anything you can be a clown. If you wanna spin. Get yourself back in the game again. Throw down your money, maybe you could win. But this world won't stop. So never stop just spin.

And this place is cold and you're feeling older now. And your body hangs and you fear you won't get out. Suck it up breathe in deep wake up from the creeping sleep. Turn around and around and around and around. Yeah yeah yeah spin.

If you wanna spin. Get yourself back in the game again. Throw down your money maybe you could win. But this world won't stop. Never stop. Just spin. Said get yourself back in the game again. Throw down your money maybe you could win. But this world don't stop so never stop..."

-Something Corporate "Spin"

I'm done just kind of floating around. I am going to throw down this time. I am going figure out what I want. And I'm going to travel those scary roads and somehow...I know I'm gonna end up exactly where I am meant to be.