The Soundtrack to My Life: Part 1

When I get completely and utterly overwhelmed by life...I tend to turn to music. I love artists and lyrics and melodies that say for me what I can't articulate. The songs that make pain beautiful and understandable. The songs that tell stories of bittersweet living. The songs that write the soundtrack to my life.

Transitioning to Iowa has NOT been easy for me to say the least. I have days where I am beyond proud that I took this leap and started to find...not a new me...but a new side of me. And then I have days where I wake up...get ready to shower...stare at the mirror and literally say out loud "what the hell were you thinking?"

As I have previously stated I am not a person who adapts easily to change. Small changes like detours freak me out. When my facial product gets new packaging I feel a little lost and anxious. I take comfort in routine and plans. Of course I have my moments where I can be spontaneous and feel fearless and welcome change and a state of complete unknown. But those moments are highly outweighed by the moments in which I wish "things would stay the same." I say that knowing that it isn't truly what I wish. I wish for change...but I want to be in control of the change. And God knows...very personally God knows...that I cannot be in charge of the things which change around me. Or sometimes...even the things that change in me.

My life for the past month has been beyond hectic. I've turned 26 (now in my late 20s not mid anymore) and have been in and out of town constantly. Most recently I was in Minneapolis for 2.5 days. I took Caitlyn to an Honor Society concert for her birthday (and let's be honest...it was a present for myself too). Music is most definitely a form of therapy for me. And Honor Society's music has helped in many situations since I've been in Iowa. The band is made up of gentlemen around my age and they sing about things that they've been through...things that I've been through. Graduating from college thinking you "made it" and realizing you had no clue what the hell the rest of your life was going to look like. And feeling like you've got nothing when after graduation you suddenly find yourself EXACTLY where you were before you went off to college.

But I digress. Music brings me alive...and takes me into dark places when I need it to. The concert was beyond amazing. And Caitlyn and I literally spent the day with the band. They are truly the most amazing and humble and sweet and interesting gentlemen that I have the pleasure of knowing. We've seen the band several times and had the good fortune to meet them each time...but this time we had the opportunity to have conversations with them. About college...grad school...work...tattoos. It was truly an amazing day for both Caitlyn and I. And I left Minneapolis the next day feeling....incredibly depressed.

Instead of maintaining the level of exuberance and sheer pleasure I felt from watching them perform their music the night before...the next morning I was in a state of complete depression. And darkness. And despair. I felt hopeless and trapped. Anxious and agitated. And I could not quite put my finger on what it was that was bothering me. After all...I had just had the most amazing time in Minneapolis with Caitlyn and I got to watch how happy she was with her birthday experience. I should have been proud of myself for taking on a "grown-up" road trip where I was completely responsible for all monetary aspects, hotel rooms, and navigation (although Caitlyn is THE BEST co-pilot ever). Yet instead of feeling proud and happy and excited I just felt completely defeated.

So I spent the next few days listening to music. Some Honor Society, some Motion City Soundtrack, of course some Something Corporate. Anything and everything I could think of that might help me pinpoint the exact emotions I was experiencing and perhaps even what it was that was bothering me.

After several days of incessant iPod use and lyric searching...I've come up with this conclusion: while the music makes up the soundtrack to my life...it can't define me the way I kinda hoped it could. Only I can define me. And I think that's what's bugging me. I don't have a definition of who I am right now. I am "me-less." I came out to Iowa not knowing who I was. I mean there's a rough idea sketched out. But I can't define myself as a mother or a wife or a girlfriend or a student...the list continues. Labels aren't everything and I honestly do believe that I am not a person who fits into any "box" in particular. However...I'd at least like some boxes to sort pieces of myself into. And it seems like I'm staring at these boxes containing pieces of me but I don't know what pieces go in what box or even what the boxes are. Apparently the label-maker was broken when it was time to sort shit out.

So I've been listening to music. I've been talking to my sister and my mother and my father. I've been watching TV. I've been going to work. I have NOT been sleeping. And I've been thinking. There are too many lyrics that swirl in my head to begin to compile a list expressing how I'm feeling (though I did consider just posting a blog chock full o'lyrics with artists and leave it at that).

I'll wrap this blog up with a few things that are prancing around my head with all the various artists and songs and the feelings these stir up. While I don't want to be considered a stereotypical anything (because there is little about me that fits into any particular stereotype...I mean the theology student with the tattoos)...I wouldn't mind being able to put some specific labels onto the various parts of myself that there are. I am determined to find myself. I know this will not happen in Iowa. This will not happen once I get married. This will not happen by getting my dream career (winning the lottery if you're wondering). However...I will find pieces of myself if I keep pushing myself to accept that there are changes of which I cannot have control. And that for me there is no deadline to find who I am. I will constantly be redefining who I am and what I like and what I do.

There's two songs that I have been listening to tons in the last few days (okay there are quite a few playlists that have been playing nonstop but these two in particular have stood out).

"to the ones who cared and who were there from the start. to the ones that left and took a piece of my heart. to the few who'd swear i'd never go anywhere, where are you now? where are you now? cause i'm thinking of you. you showed me how, how to live like i do. if it wasn't for you i would never be who i am. if it wasn't for you, i'd be nothing. where are you now?"

-Honor Society "Where Are You Now?"

"so let go, let go. jump in. oh well what're you waiting for? let go, let go. cause there's beauty in the breakdown."

-Frou Frou "Beauty in the Breakdown"

These songs speaks to me in way that others haven't recently because...I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm learning a lot about what boxes to pack myself into and which ones to just throw out. I'm learning how to live. I'm learning how to be who I am. And it's hard and it sucks and there are days where when I'm staring in the mirror and asking myself what I've gotten into that I just want to either stumble back into bed or jump out the window and run towards home. And then there are days when I realize that it's okay to be confused and reluctant to change. And it's okay not to know where I'm going next. It's okay to not know a whole hell of a lot because when it comes right down to it....there's very little that I'm actually in control of. God has a plan for me. And somewhere along my fumbling steps I'll find my path. And I'll find where those people who care are (and who they are) and I'll show those people who doubt me. I know that it's okay to breakdown and that truly beautiful things happen when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open. And I'll live knowing that I'm doing the best I can with what I've got and as long as I continue to dream and desire to grow...I'm doing alright.

As long as there's music.