X Marks the Spot

"Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and God is empty. Just like me."

Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by the Smashing Pumpkins was the first CD that I ever purchased. It had a profound effect on me. Until that point, I had listened to either my parents music (classical, punk, rock, folk, totally eclectic music) or the popular local radio station. But I OWNED this CD. I OWNED this music. And it become a part of who I was. A part of my legacy I suppose.

At the time Mellon Collie came out "happy" wasn't cool. The cool, popular kids were perfectly apathetic. I...was not. I was deeply depressed following some family issues, friendless, and the "smart" kid at school...which in high school started to not suck...but during 5th grade it did. I was overweight, under appreciated, and completely lost. I felt empty. So when I first heard "Zero" something in me felt...connected to something else. Listening to this song I realized that I was not as alone as I thought. Other people felt just as lonely and empty and sad as I did. And it was the particular line above that has stayed with me until this very day. In 1995 I realized for the first time...though I was unaware of the weight of this lesson...that we all share a human experience and it's not always pleasant. And if we, as humans, share all this relatedness...then maybe God was in the mix somewhere too. Maybe God really did feel empty just like me.

It is now 2010...my Mellon Collie discs are long lost and it's no longer cool not to care about anything. At 26, it's more "cool" (which by the way that word isn't even cool anymore) TO care. About your work, your relationships, your school, your family, your health, your religion and spirituality. As we grow up we have to start taking care of ourselves at some point because, well, expecting your mother to dress you in college is just a tad ridiculous. It's this "growing up" thing that I'm having a hard time with at the moment. I've always been far more mature than my years. Always. I was the 2 year old correcting my mother on how to properly read the story. Or the 8 year old that informed my uncle that the "forky things" as he called them are actually "tines." I've always been much more introspective and reflective than most people my age. That's been a blessing and a curse. As I prepare to leave Iowa, each day at the nursing home becomes more precious (though some days I want to literally just bash my head into a wall). The lessons I learn from the residents, the gifts they give me and I get to give them, I will miss all of this when I'm back "home."

And the realization of transitioning home has me panicked beyond words. May has been a very hard month for me. Truthfully, beginning with my birthday I've been trapped in a state of depression and sadness that I haven't been able to shake. It was the first year that Caitlyn and I spent AWAY from out parents for our birthday, and the first Mother's day with no mommy to hug, my Daddy's first birthday where I didn't get to go out to dinner with him and still have him pay (ah family traditions). And I understand that people grow up and move on...but apparently I am not so good at this. For the vast majority of the past 2 months I've been hurting and angry and ashamed and sad and regretful and just...a mess. I have no support system here aside from my younger sister. Of course I have friends at work...but those are not the people that you tell your scariest and most depressing thoughts (and I've had some MASSIVELY scary thoughts recently). And Caitlyn deals with enough of her own shit that she doesn't need to carry mine as well. But a few days ago, I got to the point where I literally just could not carry my own problems and feelings anymore. And that empty God? Apparently God went out of town for the day.

Many people that know me know that I very rarely ask for help. I would rather struggle silently than admit I am too weak to handle something. It could be something as simple as putting on a new windshield wiper blade to something as serious as...my life. I know that I've blogged about how "it's okay to ask for help" but I mean...I don't actually take most of my own advice. Perhaps I should start. Anyway, I've come to a place in my life where I must either ask for help or...well...there really is no other alternative. My thoughts have been dark and my mood has matched. I am experiencing panic attacks on a daily basis. Somedays I quite literally have to have Caitlyn PUSH me down the stairs and out the door. There are far too many contributing factors to this current oppressive place I'm in to get in to at the moment. Besides, a public blog is not the place to do so. But I can say that this catastrophic time has been a long time coming. A long time coming.

"Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness. I never let on that I was on a sinking ship. I never let on that I was down."

And with this lyric I realize that I'm back in 5th grade, feeling beyond helpless and feeling that I am not worthy of help. And I'm back to "Zero" where I am ashamed to admit that I'm scared to get help and change myself. First, I have to ASK for HELP...which I've already accomplished. Second, I'm so used to "dealing" and "coping" and "surviving" that I don't know how to actually LIVE. Third, I've just kinda been stumbling along from one thing to the next without direction, without satisfaction, and without purpose. And I mean...shouldn't I have some kind of plan? Or at the very least like a pretty rad treasure mad where "X" marks the spot where I ultimately am to be. Right before high school graduation my whole class was asked to write down our future plans and they were published in the back of the year book. Mine stated "attend a four year college and seminary." I've done both and even finished one. I think about that obsessively. I've already finished the 18 year old version of myself's future plans. So...I'm painfully forced to ask...what now?

I graduated from Millersville feeling...confused. I needed a job, but unfortunately Business (my oh so well planned out and horribly motivated major) just isn't my thing. And English minors aren't high in demand for much of...anything. I didn't want to go looking for corporate jobs so...I followed my little plan and enrolled in seminary. Apparently...when I wrote out my own treasure map I spilled some water on it or something because at seminary I learned that I was more lost than I'd ever been before. And I left to "find myself." I think that's something people do when...they're really just hoping to curl up on a couch and sleep for the next 40ish years till it's time to retire and have fun. Or maybe that's just my version of self discovery.

Anyway, in the interim between being a student of the Word (though I still consider myself one I have no student ID to prove it anymore) and a dental receptionist turned long term care employee, I've come to the conclusion that hopping from watermark to watermark on my map isn't getting me anywhere. Sure I've learned invaluable lessons about myself, life, relationships, others, connections to the human spirit...but I have this overwhelming sense that I'm destined for something that I haven't even thought to include on my little treasure map. I think I'll just throw that away.

And perhaps this time instead of drawing my own map...I'll let God design it and I'll do a paint by numbers type thing. I've asked for help. I don't have health insurance, nor do I make much, but by the grace of God and the mercy of people who care I trust that I will find treatment. By the time I am through the hardest part of the journey (admitting I need help and learning to receive it...OH and acknowledging all these pesky little problems I've bottled and let fester and rot for years) there will be battle scars on both myself and the map. But in the end, I'll review it with God and smile and feel proud that I at least had the courage to take on life. And wave my pathetic little bedazzled white flag admitting I can't continue to do this on my own.

And someday...I'll fall out of love with my own sadness. And I'll still remember listening to "Zero" in my room realizing that God can be empty. People are not alone (and trust me I have felt SO otherwise in this regard) and that through our inter-relatedness we find compassion, understanding, love, and respect for each other's journey's. So I'm trying to start a new path for myself today. I don't know where it'll take me. Back to PA, or somewhere else in IA, or....who knows. And I know I'll trip over rocks and meander down the wrong path and perhaps even fall over a cliff and that's honestly terrifying. I don't know much of anything about who, where, or what I will become...but I do know that the greatest comfort of all to me at this moment is that my empty God can still fill me with divine love and hope for a better tomorrow. Amen.