Johnny Depp and Jesus?

It was Easter yesterday. And John's account of persecution and crucifixion and while we're at it resurrection, to me, is lacking at best. Hear me out. John's Jesus is so passive during the whole proceeding that it's almost...unbelievable. Okay I get that Jesus was the definition of divine obedience and knew that he was destined for a divine purpose here on earth. But John's Jesus is just...too divine for my liking. Not that I'm a fan of reading heartbreakingly tragic and gruesome scenes of suffering, but I mean....where is the Jesus who feels abandoned and alone? Where's the Jesus screaming to the heavens? And I realize that one can easily make the case that allowing oneself to be NAILED to a cross in the first place is gruesome and tragic...but John's Jesus just bows his head and dies after proclaiming "it is done."

Really? Cause my Jesus, that knows all MY human emotions and sufferings, would at least be throwing a few punches at the Roman empire. Okay maybe the Prince of Peace wouldn't throw punches, but wouldn't he feel like it? Or at the very least roll his eyes and throw up his hands going "alright already just kill me. (and for some reason while saying this my Jesus uses Dane Cook's voice)" This is something that has bothered me since I was a child. How can one be put to death unjustly and not at some point feel completely and utterly alone. And think "wow this is really really unfair." Perhaps I would throw in some more colorful language than that, but Jesus would probably stick to "really really unfair." I have, since childhood, disliked John and his too quiet Jesus.

And since childhood, as my mother worked in the church, Easter was a BIG deal. Maybe not with the huge meal and ham and whatnot, again as my mother WORKED at a church thus was exhausted by the time Easter dinner rolled around...but certainly the Easter baskets. The closeness of friends and family, Easter was the definition of a "community of Christians" for me as a child and young adult. And this was my first Easter 100% by myself. I had little Maddie (Cait's Pomeranian) with me all weekend, but beyond work I had nobody. I felt like Jesus in the wilderness. My advantage over Jesus,? I had Blue Moon beer to get me through.

Before I actually began my wilderness experience, I was indignant and angry and hurt and lonely. Without going into details which I unfortunately cannot vent about here, I'll just say I was NOT planning on spending Easter alone. At all. However there were "extenuating circumstances" which made it completely acceptable for me to be left behind on Easter weekend (sarcasm noted?) And the main reason I was upset was that the whole situation could have been avoided if um, say, people gave advance notice of plans to parties that may be involved. Whatever. Anyway.

So I left for work on Friday morning convinced that my Easter weekend would feel like Good Friday with no resurrection in sight. Then I got home from work on Friday to take Maddie out and immediately prepare for my Good Friday service at work. I felt right at home behind that pulpit (and the residents LIKED the liberal theology). It was good to be back. I went home that night looking forward to the day of resurrection, hoping to feel as renewed as I did on the night of Jesus' death.

And then Sunday came. It's Monday evening and I'm still waiting for the wonder of the resurrection to hit me. Seriously. Usually the glory of the morning doesn't hit me until I hear my congregation singing and smiling and in unison affirming that "Christ the Lord is risen today..." We sang it at the manor, and, well...I was checking my watch to see when the pastor would leave to be honest. And bothering myself with charting the activity. I was NOT rejoicing in the glory that is life everlasting. And the miracle that is the resurrection of the body (which I won't even get started on here because I have deep theological reservations about a bodily resurrection). I was...just working as if it were a normal Sunday church service. I didn't even join in praying the Lord's Prayer.

Part of experiencing worship and religion and spiritual practices for me is to NOT partake in anything with which I am uncomfortable or does not bring me some sense of divine closeness. I will not say out loud parts of creeds which I do not believe, I will not sing hymns if the theology of the hymn is offensive to me. And on Easter Sunday, it wasn't that I wasn't partaking because I didn't agree with or believe what was being recited or prayed or sung...I just wasn't present at worship. I was in my own little world. And I'd say I was grieving the loss of my youth and the fact that my life has changed, except that isn't quite it either.

I did talk to my mom and dad on Easter. I didn't feel as alone as I thought I would. After all I was surrounded by the residents, and Maddie's love at home. And since nothing about yesterday felt like Easter to me, I didn't miss the new frilly dresses and the early sunrise service at all.

Today, however, I am grieving the loss of my Easter holiday. I am grieving that I am stuck in a mindset of darkness and oppression as opposed to heavenly light and freedom. Given my current situation, I feel like I'm preparing for my own crucifixion everyday. Constant judgement and disapproval. Ever present condemnation and disappointment. And every day I take my cross a little closer to my Golgotha.

My presence in Iowa has been... an experience. I have learned more about myself in these past few months than in my entire 26 years. I have learned about other people and how I react to them. I have learned what I DO NOT want to be when I am old. I have learned that I have desires and wishes that I professed to vehemently despise before. And I have learned that I like planning and having a schedule.

I was originally planning on being in Iowa for one year. This is fast approaching and I want out of Iowa as of the minute my mom pulled away from the house. But I've stuck it out because, I've met some people who are really truly awesome. And I've got a job that I wake up excited to go to (I mean...so long as I know I can just tune my boss out all day). But now I'm waiting on circumstances that are in God's hands. And damn it God, if you're reading this, I'm impatient so let me know what's going on already.

I will find my way home at some point. And I don't know exactly what that "home" looks like. But I know I'll get there eventually. And while everybody else on Easter was reciting the Apostle's Creed...all I could recite was the final soliloquy from the movie "Blow." Yes, the Johnny Depp cocaine movie. And yes, I have this memorized. And I know that one day I'll look back on my time in Iowa and think this:

"So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door."

A very blessed Easter to all. And may we all experience the resurrection the way in which the Lord intends for us.