"And Unique Eyeballs are...Looking"

I generally blog...as I just mentioned...when I have some piece of me to throw out into the interweb's abyss and maybe get somebody thinking. Or get it out of my head so it's not in me anymore. Or perhaps get some feedback. I don't really know why I choose to blog when I do. I just write on this thing when so moved.

And this morning is one of those times. It is my first day off in 2 weeks. I have worked for the last 13 days straight...and when one is feeling as desperately lost as I...getting in to work AND providing care to others...for 13 days with NO break...was...well...nothing short of miraculous. I continued putting one foot in front of the other. Breathing. And making it through each day...some days by the skin of my teeth...but I'm still ticking. And I have been being told by those people that I reached out to for help what I need to do with my life now in order to reclaim it and make myself happy. I understand some of these people mean well...some are just attempting to look nice for show. And the ones that do have their heart in the right place...I sincerely appreciate it...but it's like...shut the hell up already. You have no idea what I'm going through. If you've never heard the song "Welcome to my Life" by Simple Plan...do yourself a favor and listen to it. I'm serious. Go youtube it this second then come back to the blog. I'll wait...I can be patient.

It's one of those heart-breakingly sad but amazing songs. Because you hear it and think "that's me" and then you realize that you don't feel so alone. The thing about music that I think I find comforting is that...unlike people...music doesn't talk back. When I listen to the song and it stirs up whatever it does in my head...the song doesn't quip back "well that's not how you should feel" or "that's not what I was talking about" or "well I would do this." Music never faults you for letting you feel. It is simply a silent friend that holds you in it's arms and envelops your being when there's nobody else that can...or wants to anymore. Because you've worn out your welcome. And you're inconvenient. And "we've done this so many times before..." Anyway, back to this idea of feeling like "that's me."

People are always saying "oh I completely understand" or "I know what you're going through" or 1,000 other variations of the sentiment "I've been there..." whatever. And sometimes you reply with "no, you don't" audibly...sometimes you just scream it in your head. When I've been on the other side...the "I've been there" sayer...I was always frustrated when somebody would shake their head...but lately I've come to realize that it IS an honest and legitimate reply, not just an angry cliche. You most likely really DON'T know what somebody else is feeling. Because you have not lived his/her life. You may have shared some experiences, some feelings, and some of the same thoughts. But nobody has lived YOUR life...except you. Even your identical twin (if you happen to be reading this and have one) has not lived YOUR life. So now every single time I hear someone say "I know exactly how you feel" or "I've been right where you are before," I want to punch them in the face. I no longer think...."they mean well." Because if they did, then maybe they'd shut up about themselves for long enough to at least TRY to understand how I really do feel. Instead of just assuming that their experience is the same and that since they're okay I'll be okay.

I was recently told...by someone who I'll grant anonymity to even though this person really doesn't deserve it...that I was no longer Christian. To be fair to this person, I brought the subject up by saying that I was really struggling with my faith. However, the sentence that followed was...and I quote "yeah, the way you've been acting lately I really don't think you are (Christian) anymore." I was first pissed, then shocked, then inquisitive. So I asked why this person thought this, because I happen to know that this person has taken issue with faith as well. The reply was along the lines of having feelings of ending life is against the will of God and nature and that any REAL Christian would never even consider it because Christians trust God in everything. I fancied up the actual message...it was not said that eloquently (and my version was not by any means eloquent).

So...I let that piss me off for a while. And then I did a lot of Bible reading. I read the whole gospel of Luke (my personal favorite), a ton of Proverbs (my go to book), Song of Solomon, and of course the good old Psalms. And I continued reading the book I've been working on about ancient Celtic wisdom and spirituality. I realized...I wasn't questioning whether I was Christian...I was questioning my own faith.

And I believe there is a profound difference in the two. Faith alone does not make one Christian. There are so many facets of Christianity that I feel like anyone who hasn't at one point struggled with their faith...is actually...unfaithful. That's a personal opinion and I apologize if it has offended anyone reading this...but I mean...Job...anyone? God likes tests. And challenges. But we aren't allowed to challenge God back? I think not. Anyway, the person who said this to me...well...struggle for this person is not an intellectual activity. Ever. Especially in matters of the church. This person knew neither the Lord's Prayer nor that there was a difference between denominations beside the physical building and location. On a non-church note we had a discussion yesterday in which this person asked whether the shortening of because to 'cause was the same cause in, for example, cause of death. Intelligence level illustrated enough? So...I suppose I should have just taken this "you're not Christian" comment with a grain of salt from the beginning. But it really shook me.

I guess even with as much as I've been questioning every single part of who I am and what I do and why I do it and if I want to do it anymore...the one question that never concerned me had to do with my Christian identity. If nothing (and I really think there is NOTHING left at this point) I had that identity. In fact, it's so much a part of me that I don't even feel the need to identify it when I "label" myself. This is not to say that I haven't had my issues with God, or the church, or the Bible. I have more things that I don't know than I do. I have more questions than answers...but for some reason when it comes to faith...I find that almost comforting. I don't think I'm meant to know and understand everything. And if I took everything that was said at church or in a religious discussion at face value and just blindly believed (as sadly many do) then...I don't think I would have "real" faith. I would have that superficial "I believe" faith. I'm starting to sound like an asshole. I know not everybody feels the need to question...some take comfort in just knowing. That makes me uncomfortable but faith is deeply personal. I mean...I'll challenge the crap out of that person...but I'll never mock them for not needing or wanting to question the answers.

Anyway...so this got me back to the whole "I know how you feel thing." It's like assuming that your view of Christianity is the same as the person who is sitting next to you in the pew...because...you're at the same place for presumably the same reasons, right? Hell no. The person sitting next to me may have come because they would feel bad if they didn't, or maybe that's why I came. Maybe they came because they're struggling and seeking, maybe they came because after service there's a free meal. It doesn't matter. What matters is that that person is there and you can't assume that you know why. Or that you know that person.

Ultimately, I think that's what motivated this writing. I'm tired of people assuming they know me. And my problems and struggles. Listen, we all have our own burdens to bear. We were all raised differently. We all took our educations (or lack thereof) through our own lens. We all hear with our own ears. There's an Honor Society "Gentlemen's Club" (their web shorts...hilarious if you're looking for a time killer) that does this infomercial ("the merging of information and mercials") about mone (not money). And they keep talking about "unique eyeballs." It's a funny short because it has no point and it's just hilarious...especially for those of us that 1) love Honor Society and 2) frequently stay up late watching infomercials cause you can't sleep.

Anyway...the truth is...my eyeballs are unique. Yours are too. And I know you no better than you know me. I do NOT know your battles. You do not know mine. Stop assuming you do. I don't care who are...if you care about me (or somebody else that this blog makes you think about...or hell your "neighbor" or fellow human) QUIT ASSUMING YOU KNOW. You don't. There are experiences that we, as human beings share. Birth, school, work, relationships, growing up...but from there it's a free for all. And we all experience what we do share in our own very private and personal ways. I have seen things in a way that nobody before me has and that nobody after me will. I promise to remind myself that I can never assume someone's feelings...I can only listen. And I think that sometimes there's more healing in the silence of listening than there is in parroting back a list of why everything will be fine. Or what should be done to "be okay." Sometimes, it's okay not to be okay. Okay? To the people who read this who have silently listened and done nothing but take in my thoughts...I thank you. That's support. And to those who have told me what the hell to do, how to do it, and that they know what I'm going through...SHUT UP. You don't, you never will...and it's okay to not know. The honest truth is that when somebody is just lost and confused and hurting and sad...it's hard to sit with that uncomfortableness and just be with that person. Or just ask "you doing okay?" and be prepared to hear "no" and leave it at that. That's hard. I do know that. But sometimes, that's sincerely all that you can do.

So again...to those that offer their silent prayers on behalf of my unique eyeballs...I thank you. Your prayers may have saved my life. To those that "understood" and "corrected the problem..." kindly blow it out your ass. You did nothing but make my situation worse. Sometimes humans go looking for advice, sometimes we don't. Sometimes the ONLY thing we want to hear is "wow, that sucks and I'm sorry it's happening to you." And sometimes the only thing that we need is an embrace. A physical touch with no words attached. Which is why music (and Caitlyn) have now become my besties. Pain has been an emotion I've been dealing with for a long time...and I've struggled in the past with abandonment issues. When the two merged this week...Holy shit. Literally. So I'm handling what life is dealing out alone this time. And life is about to deal me one hell of an interesting hand...and we'll see how that goes (I predict not well...I'm preparing for all out war). Point is...I'm doing it. I'm here. Some days I hate it. Some days I hate everything. Some days I take the wrong body wash into the shower with me and instead of shrugging my shoulders I sit on the floor of the shower and sob for 15 minutes. But I'm here. And that's about all that I can ask for at this point.

I guess there comes a point in everybody's life where they realize that the key players in their life are...well...players. And everybody is human. And it sucks realizing that because sometimes you desperately needed to believe differently to stay alive. But the truth is...everybody is human. Unless Jesus is walking around among us again...then there's somebody out there that's divine as well as human and still I feel like if Jesus is back he's more human than divine...and I've lost my train of thought again. The fact is...there are moments in life that can not be taken back. Life is really just a series of moments strung together...Christ can you tell I've worked 13 days straight and not been sleeping? Anyway. What I think I'm trying to say is that at the end of the day only you can live your life. And you can only do that with the information you have, the support (or lack thereof) you have, and the faith you carry. And it's okay that nobody else "gets it." And sometimes it's okay to not be okay. Okay?