Judgement Day

I have worked 9 days in a row. Forgive me if this blog/rant/venting session goes slightly askew. I am exhausted. And I may have indulged in a glass of wine (or 2) while kicking my feet up the minute I got home from work.



Regardless. I have had....an interesting week. It was long, but many people have long weeks. It was tiring. It was emotionally charged and draining. It was a learning experience. It was a test of my perseverance. It was challenging. It was exciting. It was daunting. And it was Heaven. And it was Hell. I went to see Tim Burton's latest work of genius with Caitlyn on Saturday and it was marvelous. This week was my week down the rabbit hole.



Perhaps you have gotten the sense that I love my job. And that there are parts to the job that I am not particularly fond of. Such as my boss. It's not her as a person that I dislike. Rather...it's that it's humilating that I work for HER. I mean...college degree works for high school degree that I'm not even sure how she obtained. Let's be honest. Seriously. Don't know. Especially since it's the high school my genius father graduated from. Anyway before I get stuck on that. My boss has not made this the easiest week. I think sometimes she forgets that I'm not her personal assistant...rather I am the Assistant in the Activities Department. When I made this comment to a friend once she told me to gently remind my boss that my name is not "Assistant Cain-Borgman." I mean when I decide to do one thing at work I get ordered to do another. And it's usually something such as this: I decide to do one on one visitations and then I get told to remove all of the supplies from her car. I mean....really?

So there was boss stress this week. And there was family stress this week. And because unfortunately nothing is sacred I can't go into detail about that on here. The internet is amazing in how you get your material to everyone potentially....and then you find yourself censoring what you say because your material gets to potentially everyone. So I can't go into family drama.

I can, however, state that there is truth in the whole "big cities big ideas, and small towns small minds" statement. While this is stereotypical thus does not represent the ENTIRE population of Iowa...it certainly does represent a good portion of the people I know in Storm Lake. Let's be honest....these people are God fearing, Republican conservatives who still believe that being single at 25 is a tragedy and that God does not believe in "Adam and Steve." I was raised differently from these people. I was raised to believe that my destiny was in my hands with God's divine help. My God believes in equality. FOR ALL...NO EXCEPTIONS. And the thing that I struggle with is...I believe my God loves these people too. But I mean...people still use words like "colored" and think it's okay. I mean...in my world that isn't normal. I understand when some of the residents at work do it....that's from their time...but when my 30 year old boss uses the term...I have a problem.

And the homophobia out here is honestly just frightening. I never considered myself an activist or a crusader for social justice. In fact that's the part of my church that I always felt the most distant towards. I once heard "a man often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it." I am becoming a believer in this. And I've always believed that things happen for a reason....but now I can truly bear witness to this fact. I feel that if I can change just one person's sense of prejudice or judgement....or at least open his/her eyes to greater possibilities then I've achieved whatever it is I set out to do in Iowa. I mean...honestly...at home I say "gay" for "stupid, dumb, lame." I know it's insensitive. I once got into a debate with a professor at seminary over using the term gay. You see...many of my friends do not mean it as a deragotory term when they say "that's gay." Older gay people don't understand this (until I got so emotional about it I cried during said debate). It's just that we grew up with gay being so normal that honestly no harm comes from our mouths intentionally when that word is used.

I guess as I've been rambling I've learned that there IS a central point to this rant. Words DO hurt. The old "sticks and stones" mentality is a false little rhyme parents use because they don't know how to tell their children that what people say to and around them WILL affect their lives forever. But it truly is not those hateful words that are uttered...it's what we do with how words affect us that matter.


I know this blog has not shed Iowa in the best light...and to that I can only say it comes from the slant of someone who has lived outside of Philadelphia her whole life. And whenever my family made the pilgrimage back to the midwest (I was born in Kansas) I always felt home. Now that I am actually calling it my home...I couldn't be prouder of where I'm from. Sure Philly has it's problems. And sure the "ISMs" happen at home...but at least where I come from there's a desire to change. And a willingness to change. And a church for people like me who believe that one's sexual preference has nothing to do with his/her ability to preach the Gospel.

I've never really thought about the afterlife before. I'll be honest resurrection is a huge struggle for me. I do believe that there was a resurrection but I struggle with the "resurrection of the body" and I still don't know where I stand on that. What I do know is that I've always believed that God is loving, and just, and forgiving. We are created in God's image....not molds of him or her. We can't be perfect. When I overheard a pastor at work recently discouraging someone from attending one of the "rival" church's in town because "they weren't truly religious" I asked him what he meant by that. His response "well, I know I'm biased...but that's because MY
words are those of God." I call bullshit. At the time I turned and walked away. But I call bullshit.

We can not speak for God in the sense that we can claim to know what he/she is thinking. We can INTERPRET the Scriptures and teachings and the world around us. But we cannot give voice to the mouth of God. I believe if anyone tried it would be like the ending of "Dogma" where Alanis Morrisette (as God) can only be heard in a tone...there is not a word that can be understood by human ears.

Words are important. They're sacred. They're fun and funny. They're romantic. And they're scary. Perhaps we all need to be less sensitive or more sensitive...I don't know. All I know is that now I speak up when someone is belittled or judged unfairly which I never used to. And that I am personally more careful with my words lest they reflect my prejudices. And I truly believe that there will come a day when my life will be laid out for God's judgement. And that if I believed with all my heart that God loved me and I loved God...I will be forgiven and loved. God bless you too.